As a parent, it never fails that our children's eating habits come up as a
topic of conversation. A poster on one of my online moms groups recently asked
what other moms fed their kids for breakfast. Other moms wrote about
strawberries and egg muffins, omelettes and oatmeal. Me? I wrote that my kid
ate a granola bar and was too embarrassed to mention that it was a chocolate
covered granola bar followed by pretzels.
That's because I have a child with long standing eating issues. Issues that
make me silently roll my eyes when other moms say things like "I don't
cater to my kids pickiness" or "I make one meal and they can eat it
or starve" and the best line ever "They'll eat when they’re
hungry".
I know that moms who say these things don't understand the scope of some
children's food aversions and fears and they definitely have never experienced
them first hand.
Phoenix's eating issues have been present from birth. Even as a newborn she
refused to breastfeed and instead preferred the ease of the bottle. Purees were
alright, but mixed foods with some smooth bits and some lumps were a no go.
Although we introduced a variety of foods and textures, little progress was
made in her eating.
We consulted with dieticians and occupational therapists, sometimes on a
weekly basis. We tried a variety of foods, flavours and textures and finally
found success with hard munchables like pretzels, rice crisps and veggie
straws. We still consider veggie straws vegetables in this house. Vanilla
yogurt has always been a safe food and continues to be a favourite to this day
As Phoenix grew it became clear that her issues around eating weren't
limited to just skills. Phoenix has a deep and profound distrust and suspicion
of food. Even at 5 years old she scrutinizes each bite of food carefully, as if
an errant piece of vegetable may contain the poison that will finally kill her.
As much as we would like our child to eat a variety of foods, we consider 1
fruit or vegetable a day a victory.
We joke that Phoenix is growing on a solid diet of air and sunshine. But she
is growing and has followed her same growth and weight curve for a number
of years now. She's a fairly slim child but she always has energy to play and
learn and her paediatrician isn't worried about her growth.
I frequently hear other parents say "I just make them eat" and I
always wonder: How? How do you make a child eat who won't?
We have tried putting food in front of her and not giving her anything else
until she eats what's on her plate. She will happily go without eating unless
it is a food she deems acceptable.
Punishment also doesn't work for helping her accept new foods. It actually
makes the food refusal worse by associating eating time with tears, frustration,
anger and unhappiness. We just cannot in good conscience make every mealtime a
torturous experience for her by expecting her to eat like other children. There
comes a time where you have to focus on the success of the child rather than
societies expectations of "healthy" eating.
The most success we have seen has been with bribery and other kinds of positive
reinforcement. Her favourite food is ice cream cake, so in order for her to
earn a piece she needs to eat a small plate of dinner. Lately we have seen a
higher acceptance rate with the promise of ice cream cake, but it's not a guarantee.
We don't mind if she eats a piece every day because it's a serving of dairy and
she is still on the thin side.
We also take a lot of time to praise her when she eats challenging foods or
tries previously refused foods. Part of changing her food refusal behaviour is
changing her self-perception of herself as an eater. We want her to see herself
as a good eater who can try new foods - just like I try to encourage my students
to think of themselves as good learners who can tackle new topics. The more we
perceive ourselves as being competent, the more competent we become because we
are not afraid to take on new challenges.
I cook regular meals for the rest of the family, including our 16 month old
twins who are excellent eaters. If I know that the meal is something Phoenix
won't eat, I gladly make a small portion of something she will eat, while
encouraging her to try what the rest of us have. I do this because we need to continue
to make mealtime a happy event for everyone and because my child needs to feel
that we are working with her to support her (painfully slow) growth.
We also celebrate the successes as they come. Today Phoenix tried a grilled
cheese sandwich. Last week she tried banana. The grilled cheese was swallowed
and the banana was spit out. It's all progress. And when I look back over the
last 3 years, Phoenix has grown from eating maybe 6 foods including 1 fruit or
vegetable, to eating a few vegetables, almost any protein, a variety of
carbs and a few dairy products. That's a HUGE gain and is a testament to the fact
that our approach is working.
So that is why I cater to my picky eater; because it is the only way that we
have seen progress in her fear of food and eating. My long term goal is to have
her eat a variety of foods and for her to learn how to create a balanced diet.
But for some kids, like Phoenix, you need to give them time and support to do
that.
Here is Phoenix, enjoying her mealtime.
