Feeling torn

I've been having a lot of mixed feelings lately about Phoenix's delays. I see the other kids in her preschool with language skills that are so much more developed and can't help feel a little envious. These kids go to school and when they finish their morning they tell their parents what they did in school that day. That's a conversation I would really like to have. I'd love to know what she learned about and what activities she participated in! But I can't know because she doesn't have the words to tell me. I know she is happy at school because of her energy when she comes home and her willingness to go every day. But so much is missing because she can't tell me her thoughts and experiences.

But then we have other times when Phoenix is so loving and cuddly that I appreciate the length of time she has been at this stage. Most parents don't get to keep their 'baby' this long. And it is a gift to do so. Truly. I am thankful everyday for this loving, affectionate child that so willingly laughs and loves with her dad and myself. I suspect we will find out how big a gift it is after the twins are born and their development happens at what feels like the speed of light.

As the birth of the twins approaches, I am looking back and thinking more about Phoenix's birth and the emotional mess of her diagnosis. I am still hoping that these babies are born and come out totally typical, and that we don't have the same kind of experience where a perinatologist comes in and asks "What do out know about x,y,z" and then tells us what is wrong with our babies. I hope and pray that this doesn't happen, but as I know so well, nothing is guaranteed.

As for the twins, I am now 30 weeks and the twins are still growing well. I am starting to experience some swelling in my hands and feet and my blood pressure is rising, so this is something to keep an eye on. My appointments with my OB are being bumped to once a week to keep an eye on everything and if my pressure continues to be high the doctor will order home health nurses to start coming to see me and check on the babies. 

Also, at our quick u/s we determined that both babies are breech. So when I go in next week we are going to book a C section for the first week of Jan if I make it that long. I've been feeling torn about how to give birth, so in some ways I don't mind that the decision is out of my hands. 

That's it for today. 

29 week update

So I am 29 weeks pregnant and have about 7 weeks left to go before these babies are evicted. I just had another good news ultrasound with both babies weighing over 3 lbs each. At this point in the pregnancy the ultrasound tech is looking for the babies to be making practise breathing motions, which both were. They have lots of active movement, good tone and overall they look great. Baby A is footling breech, which confirmed for me that what feels like a baby kicking me in my cervix, is in fact a baby kicking me in my cervix. Baby B is head down, and like they frequently are, have their heads meeting in the middle.

I am the same size that I was when Phoenix was born, yet have 7 weeks left to go. Life is getting harder to manage. I wake up to use the bathroom every 2 hours or so, I can't breath due to pregnancy sinitus, and my hips hurt if I lie on the same side for two long.

And unfortunately, Phoenix is getting the crap end of the stick, because I am too tired to play with her or to find fun activities for her to do. Thank goodness for 2.5 hours of programming every week day morning in her pre-school. And thank goodness for the magic iPad which entertains her for hours without fail. I know this isn't fair to her and I am certainly not winning any mother of the year awards, so my project next week is to start looking for a developmental aid to come and work with her a few times a week. I think this will be especially helpful after the babies come so that she gets some special attention and fun things to do while we attend to newborns.