You can't always get what you want

There was nothing more that I wanted this time around than to have my baby and to have the doctors send me on my way to figure it out on my own. I knew that having twins, I was at a higher than average risk of preterm labour as well as a variety of other risk factors. However, my pregnancy was going so well that I didn't actually believe that any of these risks would come to fruition. Yet here we are. The girls were born just over 2 weeks ago and have spent their entire lives so far in hospitals. 3 to be exact.

I am mostly ok emotionally, but I find the the times when I am alone, like in my car on the way to the hospital, or in the shower before I pump ( trying to get more than 1 oz out of each breast) the worst. That's where I do my crying.  However, even in the midst of my tears, I can't help but notice how different it is this time. With Phoenix the grief was consuming. And it as grief. Even at the time, even it being my first post partum experience, I knew it was more than hormones. I knew it was a hole that I could not dig myself out of without help. And I got help, thank goodness, because I made It through this pregnancy mostly clear. 

It feels different this time. It feels likebnormal post partum hormones, mixed with a good portion of "this sucks that my babies are in the Nicu; I hate pumping and wish my babies could just breast feed; and why is this happening to me again?" Yep, the 'poor me' complaint. 

And yeah, I know it could be worse,  but sorry, this fucking sucks that we are here again and that I don't get to have that experience of having m baby and then having my doctors and nurses send me on my way with a wave and a "good luck!". I don't ever get to have that. Never, because this it it for us. Nope, we get 3 kids who will be followed by pediatricians, who may all have delays and be at risk for health problems. Who may never fully breast feed. 

 It's never just easy, is it? And sadly, despite the intensity of our wishes, we don't always get what we want. That much has been made clear to me over and over and over.

Ash Morgan and Wren Charlotte: their early arrival

Early on Nov 24 I woke up thinking I was peeing myself in bed - I actually wasn't but my water had broken, I quickly packed for the hospital thinking this was it: I was going to have the twins at 31 weeks gestation. 

At the hospital it was confirmed that my water had broken, so I was given steroid shots to mature the babies lungs. This would give them the best shot as preemies, but they need to work over 48 hours before the babies are born. Labour was stopped the next day to allow this to happen and I was put on antibiotics as well to stop an infection from beginning. 

I was required to remain in hospital at that point to be monitored, and we found out that the babies had shifted and the presenting baby was bum down ie breech. So we knew that if it didn't move (which it probably couldn't with no amnio fluid) that I was going to have a c section.

On Dec 1 I woke up at 5 am with back pain and pelvic pressure, which felt suspiciously like the back labour I had with Phoenix. My contractions were about 5 minutes apart and were causing me to dialate. Finally the OB on call checked me and found me to be a 4. The concern was that I dialate quickly and that my previous labour was only 6 hours start to finish.

Thank goodness I had already called DH and had him leave for the hospital and had a friend stay with Phoenix while waiting for my mom to come in from Toronto. Because after the decision had been made to go ahead with the c section, things moved with lightening speed. Mike barely made it there before I was wheeled into the birthing room and was prepped for my spinal.

The babies were out quickly. I don't get to see Ash right away because she needed quite a bit of help initially but they showed me Wren who came out crying. Both babies were taken to nicu, while my surgery was completed. It took a long time to get my blood pressure back up, so I had to stay in the recovery room while the babies were stabilized.

We swung by the nicu on the way to post partum, but I wasn't able to hold them until hours later. They are extremely small, but doing very well. They probably won't be coming home until closer to their original due date, but everyone is very optimistic about their future.

I am now home and healing from surgery. I am pumping every 3 hours to get my milk supply in and the babies are being supplemented with donated breast milk - a plan I am totally on board with. We are establishing a visiting routine where I go with either my mom or with Mike every day to visit the babies at the hospital. I am not supposed to be driving for 4 weeks after the c section, so I need someone to accompany me to the hospital every day.

Thank goodness Mike is a stay at home dad who can maintain Phoenix's preschool schedule. I'm not sure what we would do otherwise because a NICU is not the most appropriate place for a 3 year old. Here is me with my darling Wren.