You can't always get what you want

There was nothing more that I wanted this time around than to have my baby and to have the doctors send me on my way to figure it out on my own. I knew that having twins, I was at a higher than average risk of preterm labour as well as a variety of other risk factors. However, my pregnancy was going so well that I didn't actually believe that any of these risks would come to fruition. Yet here we are. The girls were born just over 2 weeks ago and have spent their entire lives so far in hospitals. 3 to be exact.

I am mostly ok emotionally, but I find the the times when I am alone, like in my car on the way to the hospital, or in the shower before I pump ( trying to get more than 1 oz out of each breast) the worst. That's where I do my crying.  However, even in the midst of my tears, I can't help but notice how different it is this time. With Phoenix the grief was consuming. And it as grief. Even at the time, even it being my first post partum experience, I knew it was more than hormones. I knew it was a hole that I could not dig myself out of without help. And I got help, thank goodness, because I made It through this pregnancy mostly clear. 

It feels different this time. It feels likebnormal post partum hormones, mixed with a good portion of "this sucks that my babies are in the Nicu; I hate pumping and wish my babies could just breast feed; and why is this happening to me again?" Yep, the 'poor me' complaint. 

And yeah, I know it could be worse,  but sorry, this fucking sucks that we are here again and that I don't get to have that experience of having m baby and then having my doctors and nurses send me on my way with a wave and a "good luck!". I don't ever get to have that. Never, because this it it for us. Nope, we get 3 kids who will be followed by pediatricians, who may all have delays and be at risk for health problems. Who may never fully breast feed. 

 It's never just easy, is it? And sadly, despite the intensity of our wishes, we don't always get what we want. That much has been made clear to me over and over and over.